Last Friday I reached 23 weeks. Everything looked good at the doctor. I'm so glad I switched to Friday appointments! It helps to have reassurance going into the weekend. The MFM (high risk OB) gave me some encouraging statistics. He said of course that the goal is to get to 39 weeks, but that if at 24 weeks (so in a few days now) something goes terribly wrong and baby is born there is a 50% chance of survival. Many of these babies have long term issues, but 50% of them live. He then said that each day after that gives an additional 2% chance of survival, and by 28 weeks there is now a 95% chance of survival! It's amazing what they can now do in the NICU.
Of course we really truly hope we make it into the 30s for sure, and getting to 38/39 weeks would be amazing and the best possible outcome for baby. But, for now these statistics are reassuring.
But, I will also say that it's hard to remain optimistic. I want to be hopeful and plan on having a full-term baby, but after what happened with Miriam, that came out of the blue, it's hard to imagine everything going well this time. I still fear the worst most days and my nerves are totally frayed. June has been the LONGEST month of my life, and there are still 3.5 days left of the month! Aargh! It seems like an eternity until the point where I feel confident that we will bring home a baby!
It sucks and is totally unfair. I want to enjoy being pregnant and planning to bring home a baby. I want to be filled with joy and be picking out names imagining them for a healthy baby girl. But, it's all tainted with loss and fear. Ugh. You can say what you want about trusting God and that I shouldn't be anxious because it's in the Bible (and yes, people have said this to me), but people said that during my last pregnancy too, including me! When I got worried I would tell myself that most pregnancies have no complications and would push worry out of my mind. And then our baby died. So, no matter your theology it does not make sense to trust God that this baby will come home because that trust didn't work out last time.
Well, sorry for that darker turn. But, the good news is that I have felt more baby movements. Overall that's great, except for the days that I don't feel much and freak out. haha Within the next week I'm told I should feel some movement every day, so she better continue to stay active so that I know she's doing well.
And in other news, the buddy is still super excited about this baby. And somehow he and Sweet P think that since there's a baby growing in my belly that there's one growing in Sweet P's belly as well. Whenever I mention that the baby is kicking they start talking about the baby in her belly too and try to feel her belly for kicks. Obviously a strong understanding of biology is not within the grasp of a 2.5 and 5 year old brain. :) And during prayers the buddy has also requested that this baby come home this time and has mentioned he's sad that Miriam didn't, and regularly asks me if the baby is still in my tummy. So, he's processing as well the events of the past year as we do too. I echo his thoughts and wishes and sure do hope this baby comes home too.