Monday, June 5, 2017

20 weeks

Today is 20w3d. I actually took this picture on Friday when I turned 20w. It felt significant since last pregnancy my last weekly "bump shot" was 19 weeks. Once my water broke and I was on bedrest I didn't attempt weekly photos since my belly totally deflated after my water broke and I was also so depressed and anxious. So having a 20 week shot seemed like a big deal. I also wanted to take it early in case something bad happened before Sunday (I usually take the photos on Sunday since it's the only day I'm guaranteed to wear something nice and do my make up). 

Today's appointment with the MFM went really well again. Whew! My cervix is doing great and baby girl was active enough that we saw her curl up to do a flip. My pregnancy apps say she is about 10in long and weighs about 10oz. It's hard to read those stats since they're so close to what Miriam measured when she was born. 

Today as I was putting the buddy down for his nap he asked me if there was still a baby in my belly. I said yes and told him I was going for a check up after his nap to check on the baby. He very excitedly asked if he could come along and I said not this time. But hopefully we will make it far enough that I will feel confident to bring him to one. I'm sure he would love it. 

I also got my 5th progesterone booty injection. I am feeling so so grateful that I didn't have a reaction to them as I was so worried that I would! I always go to the OBs office to have it done (MFM is on the 4th floor and OB is on the 2nd of the same medical building) and today we had Dave watch how she drew up and administered the shot to consider having him do it sometime. However, after watching the process I think he's going to recommend I just keep having a nurse do it. :) After all the injections he's had to give me through the IVF process (seriously there have been over 100) you'd think he would be used to it, but those intramuscular needles are BIG and he's not wild about it. Hehe

Last week was very tough emotionally. The days before and right after the my previous PPROM gestation were so anxiety filled. I was literally shocked when my water didn't break on those days. It's amazing experience is such a strong teacher. Most people reading this see pregnancy as durable and your personal experience as well as those around you is that once you get pregnant, and especially once you're out of the first trimester, you will have a baby. That is 0% my experience. Experience has taught me that pregnancy leads to death and trauma. So I'm having to re-learn that that isn't the truth about pregnancy. Its serious work to re-train your brain to go in a different neural pathway. You know what helps? Experience that proves it otherwise. So even though I'm not convinced that this pregnancy will bring home a baby, I AM now convinced that I can make it to 20 weeks without loss. But it took actually living it to believe it. The next brain retraining will be to reach and pass 21 weeks. 

I will say I think the #1 thing that helped me get through last week was distraction. I would love to give you some deep or spiritual answer and say it was prayer and/or meditation, but it was definitely distraction. When I got super anxious (and dave was around to watch the kids) I would put "Friends" on my cell phone to stream and would clean out a cabinet or closet. It was the only way to distract myself enough to cope. Our therapist said this was very normal as it allowed me a chance to be in control of something. And to be honest I'm in control of very little right now. I also started practicing piano out of my childhood practice books, which has been a challenge, and also lots of fun. 😜 It has literally been 20 years since I played so I'm impressed with my "level 2" piano playing skills. 

I am SO READY FOR IT TO BE JULY! July means viability. If I make it to July it means if something goes wrong baby girl still has a chance to survive outside the womb. It's about a 50/50 chance, and most babies born that early do have significant health concerns, but I'm hoping that reaching that point allows me to breathe a little deeper. And I'm really really hoping we make it to August, at 28 weeks. And really really really hoping we make it to September! I'm hoping if I arrive at my birthday still pregnant (I'll be 34 weeks) I'll believe that there will be a baby to take home. 

Now if there's so much worry and doubt when is a good time to upgrade to a minivan? (Only very slightly rhetorical). 


  1. Go for the mini van!!! So glad to see this post and prayers for many more weeks inside for this little one.

  2. You should definitely go with the mini van...I want one now with just one kid.

    Praying for you as you cross each week and hoping you'll begin to see light at the end of this long, anxiety-filled tunnel.

  3. I'm so happy you're here and hope that you continue on. I had similar issues in dealing with pregnancy after loss. The retraining of your brain is really, really hard.


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