So, this week and weekend was most definitely better than the previous. Our counselor was so right about switching to Friday appointments. We had a really good appointment Friday and got a few good pictures of baby girl. I also asked if there were ANY indications that I should be worried or concerned or that it looked like I could have pre-term labor and he said no. This was reassuring to hear.
Of course I felt confident for about 24 hours and went back to feeling anxious again. From the beginning I have been counting to 24 weeks. That's the current state of viability where it's said if a baby is born that early he/she has a 50/50 chance of survival (those who live often have long term challenges, but survival is very good!). I've said if I got to that point I would be able to start believing we could actually bring home a baby. But, as I approach that gestation I know it will probably take until 28 weeks until I actually feel significantly more optimistic and less anxious.
Of course I wish I could be excited and truly believe we will be bringing home a baby, but I am SO not there yet. I had a friend ask a few weeks back how I was managing to balance preparation with my anxiety and I said that there is absolutely no preparation going on, and there wouldn't be until July. Now, I'm thinking we will wait until at least August to prepare anything. Some would say that 2 months isn't enough to prepare for a baby, but we have brought home babies twice with less than 48 hours of preparation, so 2 months would feel like an eternity. :)
Anyway, I would say that the nerves and the milestone weeks are the big things where my focus lies at this point. Even though every doctor visit and ultrasound has been encouraging, I still start counting down to the next one pretty quickly. Even if I was told there was a 99% chance this baby would come home healthy, it would still be impossible for me to believe that until we get to several more weeks in the future. (And no one has said that. I think it's actually like 95%. Which was super reassuring to me last pregnancy, but obviously we fell in the 5%, so how could I not be worried the same would happen again?)
In good news I'm told she's about the size of an ear of corn (woa!) and weighs about a pound and is about a foot tall. She's definitely bigger than Miriam ever was now. I feel sad to compare them to ea but once you've seen and held a baby born too early it's impossible to not think about that size of baby being inside you on the milestone dates. Pregnancy apps say that within about 4 weeks she should double in weight and that feels like that will be a good milestone too.
One super sweet thing. Thursday afternoon I had a voicemail from the cell phone of our fertility doctor. He was calling because he just wanted to check in and see how I was doing. That man is seriously the sweetest. I swear, if we were having a boy that kid would be named after this doctor! I called him back Friday after our good appointment and he was so happy to hear all was going well and he asked me to keep them posted, especially around milestone weeks because he and others there at the clinic think about us often and are really pulling and hoping for us to get this baby girl home! He assured me (like everyone else) that it will be normal to continue to have anxiety and that reaching 24, and especially 28 weeks will be huge accomplishments. He said if I can get to 32 weeks I will be set. Of course we want this baby girl to "cook" the whole time to be as healthy as possible, but he said that 32 is such a great gestation and that even though babies born that early may have significant NICU time, but that they almost all have fantastic long term health. That seems like forever away, but I will most certainly be doing some significant happy dances if we make it that far!
And in great news, Dave got his doctorate degree yesterday! He started working on it before the buddy came home, back in January 2012, and he is officially DONE with school! He has worked SO hard over the years and it's such a great accomplishment! It's also the perfect degree for him and what he feels called to do- it's a Doctorate of Worship Studies. Go Dave!