Today is a good day. I will admit that my weekends are pretty anxiety filled since they are the last 2 days before my weekly doctor visits. And my appointments aren't until 3:15 Monday afternoons, so I'm READY when the ultrasound tech calls my name.
I have 4-5 more weekly checks before I move bi-weekly checks. My MFM wants me to come weekly at least through my loss date (21w1d) mostly for my own anxiety. At these appointments after the tech calls me back she always does a general belly ultrasound to be sure baby overall looks good, measures the heartbeat, and checks the fluid level. Today was the first day I was actually worried about the amniotic fluid levels and thank goodness they were good! She also confirmed for sure that baby is a girl, so the blood test 6 weeks ago was correct!
Then I get a transvaginal ultrasound to measure my cervical length (the main purpose of the appointment) and today it looked good at 4.7 cm long. Then, the high risk doctor (MFM) comes in and answers my questions. He is so awesome and gracious with his time with me. He always answers all of my questions thoroughly and kindly. I have probably said this before, but I hate it when doctors talk down to their patients and/or treat me like I'm stupid for having lots of questions. But he never does and he also appreciates my nervous/stupid/self deprecating jokes, so I really like him.
I then venture 2 floors down where my OB's office is and a nurse gives me my Makena/progesterone injections. Today was my second so here's hoping it goes well again like last week. I also love that these doctors offices are so close together and only 5-10 minutes from my house. Each one of these recent appointments I leave feeling so grateful. I continue to hope and pray that all continues to go well and I will keep having good appointments for 20 more weeks. That sounds do-able, right?
This weekend I realized that I was exactly 4 weeks from the gestation I was last time when we lost Miriam. So I know the next month is going to be especially hard. To be honest most days I can't yet see past that point and things still going well and this baby still growing healthy and strong, but I hope and pray every day that that becomes true. It's hard to not fixate on my anxiety and think about the trauma of what happened in August. I want there to be a new ending so very badly.
In my head there is endless counting. Today I am 2 weeks and 2 days away from the gestation when my water broke. That's scary to think about. I can't even imagine how my emotions and mental health will play out that week. I know there will be fear in the coming weeks, especially when I hit that 19 week mark. Deep breaths necessary.
In good news, I ordered some maternity pajamas and they are glorious. The shorts are the most comfortable shorts of my life, and the nightgowns are even more amazing. My sister also loaned me her fancy pregnancy pillow (the snoogle) and it is also awesome. So between the cozy pillow and pjs I really, really look forward to bedtime now. ❤️
Thank you all again for all the prayers and thoughts. I believe they are carrying us through this anxity filled time. The countdown continues.