To be honest I've been pretty proud of myself for how well I've been doing emotionally the past few weeks as we got closer to this date. Last week at the anatomy scan I was surprised how many times it felt like I would burst into tears. Not necessarily happy or even sad tears, just really overwhelmed tears. I can remember so vividly all the ultrasounds that were so terrible last time with Miriam, and since the anatomy scan is the longest ultrasound I had so far all of those memories came flooding back and it was hard to focus on the happiness of a good and healthy ultrasound.
Yesterday was a very anxiety filled day. Every twinge or pinch I felt and trip to the bathroom were PTSD reminiscent of last time with Miriam and convinced me it was the beginning of the end again. It took me a bit by surprise, but I've found that when anxiety really hits me I can live and breathe through it, but I don't get a big sigh of relief until a good doctor visit. So, I struggled through yesterday (you know I'm not doing well when I don't even care if the house is a total mess) and thank goodness had an appointment this morning.
I specifically asked about my amniotic fluid level and that looked great. Whew. Baby girl also looked good and had her little feet up by her head this time. And my cervix was also long and closed and measured at 4.8cm! The longest yet! Yay! So, we took some deep breaths and were grateful for such a good appointment.
However, there is still a lot of anxiety. We've talked in counseling that it's ok for me to feel anxious and that it would be unusual if I didn't feel this way. That's what a previous traumatic event does to you. You may think I'm exaggerating, but if I shared with you the details of how everything happened you would agree there was trauma involved. Dave and I both have flashbacks to August and the upsetting and heartbreaking things that happened. These memories pop into our heads at inconvenient times and are hard to get out of your head. Thank goodness for good counseling because I have strategies in place to help put those out of my mind as much as possible while in this already anxiety producing stage. But, it still happens and still contributes to mental and emotional unrest.
So, if you think of us in the coming weeks, please say a prayer for us. Please pray that baby girl continues to grow healthily and that my body will continue to be a healthy place. My biggest fear is my body failing this baby too. And please pray for emotional and mental health in the coming days and weeks. There are going to be days where I feel somewhat incapacitated by fear, which is to be expected. But, I'm hoping and praying (and begging) we get to viability the last day of June and that this baby girl will still be going strong! It seems like I may never get there, but I'm trying so hard to take it one day at a time.
|To be honest, when I saw this profile today all I could think was how similar it looks to Miriam's face profile.|
|A open mouthed grin and a foot by her head. A promising future in dance or gymnastics, right?|