Saturday, April 29, 2017

An Update with News

I hate how neglected this space has become. But, life is busy and that's what happens. When I feel all the big emotions I write a blog post because it helps me process and also share what's going on in my heart and mind. But, sometimes it seems overwhelming to get something on the blog that makes it a worthwhile blog to read. And I get intimidated with my internal pressure and just don't write. And I'm guessing I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed with all the various social media options of sharing what's going on in life. Right? Even after I stopped blogging regularly I would follow friends' blogs closely. Sadly, I haven't even taken the time to check the blogs! Ack! So, I apologize if I've missed some big (or even small) stuff from any of my readers! 

But, things continue to be busy here. After lots of darkness, confusion, and sadness, Dave and I decided we wanted to try to get pregnant again with our only other good embryo (it was created/conceived last April in the same cycle I got pregnant with Miriam). Since IVF has about 50/50 odds we assumed it wouldn't work since it did work the first time with Miriam and those odds made sense. 

However, we were shocked when we got the call that I was pregnant (I don't do home pregnancy tests. They have been mean to me for far too long. Instead I got a blood test at the doctor). We were so happy. I thought that if I ever found out I was pregnant again I would be immediately anxious, but we were actually very happy that day, and again 2 days later when we found out that the numbers doubled as they should. 

But, I had some spotting that was worrisome and at 5w6d a concerning amount and went to my OB's office for an ultrasound. The on-call doctor did an ultrasound and told me I was going to have a miscarriage based on what she saw. We were devastated. We called my fertility doctor to ask if I should stop taking the hormones to support the pregnancy, and he said no way! He recommended waiting up to another week to do another ultrasound, this time with him, to see if anything had progressed. Well, praise God that we listened to him. Because 4 days later we took the 2 hour drive to his office, confident we would get confirmation that I would miscarry, and instead there was a heartbeat! WHAT?! We were in total shock and were totally grateful! 

The reason for the spotting was found. There was a SCH, which according to our understanding, is like a clot that is on the outside of the baby's sac that can rupture and/or bleed at any time. It does raise your risk of miscarriage, so we knew it would need to be watched. Most of the time they shrink with time and aren't an issue, but they do cause spotting and bleeding on and off, and they can be worrisome. Of course this was frustrating, but we took the good news and hoped and prayed the SCH would do what we wanted it to and eventually disappear. 

By 12w the clot had gotten down to a very small size, small enough that the OB was not longer concerned and that I hadn't had spotting in a couple of weeks. Whew! At this point we also got blood test results that the baby didn't have any of the most common trisomies and was also a girl! A reason to celebrate! I call the call while Dave was at work, so I bought 40 pink balloons with the kids (I lied and told them they were for Dave's doctorate) and surprised him with the news of a girl when he got home from work. The truth is that we would have been thrilled to have either gender of course, but knowing which it is, helps the baby seem more person-like to us. 

Anyway, despite all the good news, we know what it's like to have everything be healthy and wonderful in a pregnancy, and things unexpectedly take a turn for the worst. I have held my dead baby in my arms and I am terrified it could happen again. So, as much as we are grateful, there is a lot of anxiety and a lot of extra visits to the doctor to be sure everything is ok. This time I am seeing a high risk pregnancy specialists and weekly visits start Monday with him. BUT, I do know there are friends and family that will want to know how the pregnancy is going, so I figure this is a good place to post regular updates so that I don't have to repeat myself multiple times. Especially since talking about it often makes me anxious. :) We have been much quieter this time around with announcing, and to avoid saying it multiple times, we went public on Facebook yesterday. But I won't be updating on FB much at all, especially since I know how hard it is to see pregnancy news on FB after dealing with infertility.

So, there you have it. Here is what we posted on FB. And I'll share more soon here. <3

"These two sweet kiddos are happy to share that their mom is currently 15 weeks pregnant with a baby girl!
After our recent and unexpected loss of Miriam at 21 weeks, you can imagine we are celebrating this pregnancy with very mixed emotions. Each day we hold both gratefulness and anxiety as we celebrate that signs point to a healthy pregnancy, but also know what it's like for that to be true and still have a late loss.
We hope you will join with us in prayer and in hope that this baby girl continues to grow healthily, that my body will carry her and keep her healthy until October, and that we are able to handle all the big emotions along the way. For the next 2-3 months it will be pretty difficult for us to imagine actually bringing home a baby, so it's possible we may not want to talk about babies, this baby, or even this pregnancy much yet, at least until we get to the point of viability. So, even though we are guardedly happy and aren't exactly jumping up and down and squealing, we are very grateful for this girl's life no matter what happens. And if we do bring her home I can assure you there will be jumping and squealing and we hope you would join us in that."

1 comment:

  1. Love the photo, so beautiful!!! Prayers for a sweet healthy baby girl for your family :)

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