Friday, December 19, 2014

Where We've Been: Part 3

Alrighty... so what has happened in our adoption process this year? Plenty! 

So, we were officially waiting in February. Nothing was really "moving" in the adoption world the first couple of months, which is totally normal, so we didn't think much about it. We assumed that this time around we would likely wait longer than 5 months like we did for the buddy, so we planned for a longer wait. We originally were just with our agency in Nashville, but soon decided to add the agency that matched us with the buddy (it's a few hours away but still in-state).

Then, at the beginning of April, just a few weeks before our scheduled trip to Italy to visit Dave's sister and brother-in-law, we got a call from our social worker that there were TWO birthmothers that would be looking at our profile that were due by the end of the month! If we were chosen we would need to cancel our trip to Italy for sure. This was so exciting! And when this agency shows profiles, they literally have 2-4 profiles at most, so this gave us at least a 25% chance in each situation! We were so excited!

This was a little stressful because we didn't know if we were going to be headed to Italy or bringing a baby home! So, I was stressed and praying a lot, and figuring out what it might look like to cancel our plane tickets, etc. But, about 4-5 days before we left we found out that one of the birthmothers chose to parent and another chose a different couple. But, the consolation was a trip to Italy, so we couldn't complain. ;-)

But, we also knew that our agency was pretty small, so that it was unlikely our profile would be looked at again for awhile, so in that regard it was more disappointing. 

Then, in July we were told that there were 2 MORE birthmothers that would be looking at our profile, again, right before we left on a trip to visit Dave's family! The director of the agency even told us that we should get everything together before we left to go up north, including making sure all of our money was in the same bank account so we would be able to write a big check quickly. So, she obviously thought we would be a good fit for one of these birthmothers, so we were prepared for a phone call at some point on our trip. After a week on our trip I checked in with them and again, one mother decided to parent and another picked a different family. It is SO hard to hear that someone else is picked over you. Blah.

When we were on a trip just the two of us in September to celebrate my 30th birthday (can you see a pattern here? Always revolving around trips!) there was a particular situation through a connection (so NOT with one of our agencies), and we had to decide while on our trip if we wanted our profile to be shown or not. We ended up deciding that we DID want to show our profile and we were chosen! Yay! But, we were excited for about 24 hours until we did some further research and the agency that this birthmother was working with turned out to be shady at the very least and downright unethical at the very worst. Unfortunately we couldn't proceed with this agency, which was heartbreaking all around. We just loved this birthmother, but couldn't imagine turning thousands and thousands of dollars over to someone we just couldn't trust. (Total costs at this agency would have been over $20,000).

Turns out during this time our profile was shown twice again at our home agency and not chosen. :/ They DID tell us that there was a situation coming up and they'd let us know in more detail as it came up.

We are now in October and during our family vacation I was waiting to hear from the agency again, but heard nothing. Upon returning home I found out that the birthmother she had mentioned before (don't they realize when they mention a situation I start thinking about it as a potential child in our family, not just a passing comment?) wanted her child to be the first child in a family so our profile didn't end up being shown. And at this point, they weren't working with any more birthmothers, so I assumed we wouldn't be shown at all until the New Year.

That is, until my drive north the Friday before Thanksgiving. What a day this was! I was driving up north with the buddy as we were going to stay a couple of days with my family, then drive anothe 1.5 hours north on Sunday to spend the rest of the week with Dave's family. Dave would be flying up on Monday because he teaches one University class each week on Monday evenings and he couldn't exactly miss this once a week class.

Anyway, that Friday morning while the buddy and I were driving up north we got a call from our social worker asking us a few details about our situation (how much I work, etc.) because they were working with a mother who had chosen adoption for her baby months ago, but the adoption had fallen through due to something with the other couple, and she wanted to look at profiles and have her 3 week old son placed with his new adoptive family by Thanksgiving. This was so exciting! The director thought we were the best match for this family for several reasons, but there was one other profile that they would be showing. They would show profiles either that night or the next day (Saturday) and they'd be in touch. From everything she told us, this situation just felt "right." Staring about a week and a half before this I really started feeling like my heart was needing to pray for an adoption situation. So, I prayed and prayed, not really knowing what to pray for. And when we got this call, I thought THIS is what I was supposed to be praying for!

In the meantime, while we waited to hear back from the director, my car got a flat tire on the interstate and I waited an hour and a half on the side of the interstate for AAA to come! Then I had to get the spare replaced with a real tire, and proceeded to be 15 minutes late to an essential oils class that my aunt was hosting and that I was TEACHING! ha! Thankfully they were an understanding group. I'm also so glad that I left so early in the morning so that I was only 15 minutes late and not an HOUR and 15 minutes late!

WELL, anyway, after all that, this mother has pretty much just disappeared. After working with her for months she won't return any of their phone calls or texts and is impossible to reach. There are so many possible reasons for this, the strongest one in my mind is that she changed her mind. The agency suspects they'll hear from her after the holidays and the new year. We shall see.....I WILL say it made for a stressful Thanksgiving break. We knew she hadn't reached out to the agency and prayed for her health and the baby's health and for to get in touch with the agency with so much intensity, only to find out the Monday after we got home that they still had no idea what had happened to her. When just 9 days earlier it seemed like we would be bringing home a 3 week old within days. What an emotional roller coaster that week.

There is one last possibility as the year comes to a close. A mother gave birth to a very micro premie who will be in the NICU for quite some time, and she is looking to make an adoption plan through our agency. At this point the agency wants to get a more thorough picture of his health before showing profiles. We don't know any other details and won't know more until at least until the 2015. And considering our track record with possibilities we aren't holding our breath. 

We continue to pray for a miracle and trust that God will do the miracle of His choosing in His timing. It's been a rough year with a lot of disappointments, but God has not abandoned us. He is with us every day and continues to let us know that He loves us even when circumstances are hard. There have been several times where our hopes have been raised that a baby could be headed home with us any day, but every single time we've ended up with bad news. At this point bad news is just what we expect. It's hard to think that everything could align so perfectly that we could end up bringing home a child, so we don't even imagine it anymore. It has gotten too hard. Because of all of this drama and possibilities that don't work out, fertility treatment is looking more possible in the new year. We have officially been waiting for twice as long as we did to bring home the buddy, which is not an unrealistic amount of time, but as I've said before, for the number of times our profile has been shown and not picked, we are discouraged. 

The hardest thing for me is that it's getting harder and harder to imagine that the buddy will have a sibling close in age. This makes me sad because he is SO social and absolutely adores and loves babies. We know he would make a good big brother and it's sad that considering how this year has gone that he may never get to be that. We are not ready to give up, but we are discouraged. I grew up 3 years older than my next sibling and then there were 4 years between the younger two. Of course we are all close now and love each other very much. But, growing up, I think we would have gotten along better had we been closer in age. And I don't like that I have ZERO control over that for him.

If you put together all 3 of these "timeline posts", you will see that we have been trying for 2 full years now for #2. That's a long time when you're trying every route possible to parenthood. I feel so sad about this. Honestly, when I look at the circumstances of my life I am grateful for so many things, but when I look at the details of our fertility and now, these adoption failures, I can honestly say that our situation is worse than my worst fears would have imagined. Before we started trying to get pregnant 4 years ago we prayed for our fertility. We prayed that we wouldn't have to go through infertility, but we did. We prayed for release and healing from infertility, but it hasn't happened. And we have been praying for a sibling for the buddy for 2 years and he still doesn't have one. I have always wanted 4 children, Dave wanted at least 3. And right now, we can't even get to #2. And I can't imagine going through all this pain for every single child in the future, not to mention the crippling costs. Please pray for God to show us mercy and grace. And for a miracle. We truly need a miracle, because there's no way that WE can bring home a child on our own. It can only be through God.

I will say that I'm surprisingly at peace. I feel like there's no other option. Of course I'm very sad, but I'm at peace and not running around like a crazy lady trying to "fix" our problem. I'm trying to rest in God every day and listen to what He is telling us to do. I'm asking for more clarity because we want to follow where HE leads us. And for now we are called to just wait. We are waiting, and living in the moments He gives us each day and noticing the every day blessings that are showered on us despite the area of life that is so hard. We have a warm home, food on the table whenever we need it, loving family and friends, the awesomest 2.5 year old son a person could ask for, etc. We do have so much and I am so grateful for all of those things! But, that doesn't mean my heart isn't broken, because it is. But, I can be whole with a broken heart. I have to be because it's the only way to continue living in this hard place. So, I do. Every day we wake up knowing his mercies are new each day and that His love endures forever. I may need daily reminders, but I am grateful for these truths.

"We are persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:9

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." Psalm 143:8

Merry Christmas everyone! So sorry for how long his post got! PLUS, there are no pictures. So, if you read to the end I'm super impressed! :-) Thanks for your support and prayers. I don't know where we'd be without them.


  1. Gosh, what an unbelievably tough year. I'm so sorry for all of the adoption disappointment. Praying that yall have much better news next year!!

  2. I made it to the end! :) I loved reading your story all written out. It sounds so unbelievably hard when you outline it from beginning to "end." I'm so sorry that your story is not what you wanted it to be. What a hard loss to grieve, over and over again. I'm in it with you, friend. I love you!

  3. did you take down part 2? The waiting sucks. With the kid, we were officially waiting less than 2 hours (from final approval to when we were chosen) and he was born a week and a half later. With E, we knew the wait would be longer. But, it was more like a year and a half, which just felt like FOREVER. It seriously sucked. Our agency - thankfully - doesn't tell us when we've been shown but not chosen. I can't imagine hearing that repeatedly. Hugs and prayers.

    1. I did take down part 2. It focused more on what we have done to try to improve fertility, but after I posted it I decided I didn't wan the whole world to see it and blogger doesn't let you password protect posts. :/
      A year and a half is a long time! But, you arrived and have your sweet E. I guess that's my problem. I end up thinking that since it's just been negative results this whole year, that the same will happen forever. But, statistically it WILL happen eventually, right? Infertility definitely messes with your brain in that you're just so used to bad news!


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