Can I just say that I LOVE simplicity? I strive for it in every area of life, whether it be my various jobs, cleaning, cooking, decorating the house, taking care of the buddy, spending money, etc. Why be complicated when you can be simple, right? Cut out all the non-essentials and focus on the simplest way to do something. That's the best way, right?
One would think.
But, that's what's so hard about this infertility/adoption journey. I WANT SO BADLY for it to be simple. Somewhere on the spectrum of easy. But, no. It is not. It's complicated and messy. Every time we think we have "a plan" for how to proceed it gets totally messed up. I mean, every.single.time!!
I know this is likely due to the fact that God knows I need to learn patience. And trust. And learn that I am 100% not in control of my life. But, I'm not a very good student when it comes to these lessons. I really, really, really still just want things to be simple!
It just doesn't work that way.
So, we are in the mess right now, but I'm realizing it's a beautiful mess. Outside circumstances are not good. Confession: we are spending more every month than we are making. Without anything impressive to show for it (ie: failed fertility treatments, worse sperm analysis numbers, a whole lot of money sunk into the crawl space of all places, etc.). We have been sad a lot in the past several months. And when you're really sad (and even depressed at times) it's hard to be productive or creative, hence my total lack of blog posts. I haven't been so good at eating healthy due to aforementioned sadness and so a lot of my clothes no longer fit. (Boo!)
But, this mess is still a beautiful mess. It's the mess of someone falling apart. And only when we're falling apart to we get to the place that we realize that we are not God. That there is only one God and He is the God of the universe despite the mess. He gets down in the mess with us and loves us through it.
Jesus' ministry was full of those who had fallen hard and were in desperate need of a Savior, just as I am today. I am so much more aware of my need to God when I'm falling apart than when I think I have it all together. It's only when I've discovered I am completely unable to make my life simple that I cry out to God in desperation to put back the pieces of my total disaster mess. And He does. Not by making everything simple or easy. But, my being there. By seeing me. By remembering me. And letting me know that He's there through it all. Loving me the whole time. Blessing me throughout the mess as He creates a softened heart, a heart that looks to him instead of for the next "simple answer."
Oh it's hard. He never said that it would be easy. But, it's where the blessing of His presence and His words of faithfulness ring the most true. It's the times when He shows that His power is perfect in our absolute weakness. And when I am listening so, so closely to hear His quite and still voice. Breathe. Listen. Repeat. And know YOU are loved.