I know I'm an absolutely horrid blogger. Mostly because life is busy and I'm not so good at sharing the day-to-day of things here on this blog.
The buddy is awesome and growing and we are so very lucky (some would say blessed, but I'm having inner turmoil about that word right now) that he's growing up so healthy and smart and (mostly) sweet!
But, otherwise things have been pretty hard. Behind the adoption wait and rejections, there has been a lot of questions and Dr.'s appointments and natural supplements and more "stuff" than I even want to write about in attempts to improve our fertility. A lot of money and energy spent that has worn us out on a lot of levels. We KNOW we want to build our family through adoption again, but have also been trying to improve our fertility as much as possible, but are getting discouraging results.
In the meantime, I am spending some time trying to figure out faith and life and God and community and how that all works. I'm at the point where I have more questions than I have answers, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction since I'm actually ASKING questions instead of being totally silent when it comes to talking to God.
My brain is busy, but God is working. He's starting to break down the very tall brick wall that I unintentionally began building almost 4 years ago now. I didn't really recognize it for what it was until I realized I couldn't even see over it anymore and it blocked my vision of the world. These walls were built brick by brick, month by month, and have continued to rise until I became alone and unable to look forward. I have begun asking God to help me remove the bricks, but as the wall comes down, the grief returns in big waves, and feelings can no longer be hidden by this self-imposed wall.
So, blog posts are coming. My heart and brain are ruminating. There's a lot of healing that needs to be done and it's a very scary prospect. But, the brick wall has become far too suffocating and it's no way to live. Something has to be done, so God is slowly but surely cracking open my heart again and allowing me to feel. And with the feeling will come brokenness, renewed pain, but a future of hope. The hope seems very far away right now, but it's the goal. Not hope in a baby or a family even closely resembling the family I envisioned for myself, but hope for feeling whole and free and able to live as the woman I was made to be. That destination seems unreachable for the moment, but it's a walk I'm going to have to take one step at a time.
So, umm... are you ready for this to get real? I think it's about to.