Thursday, November 27, 2014


The past year has brought a lot of tough stuff, not just personally, but also for those close to me, our nation and in the whole world.

It's hard to not get so discouraged and feel defeated when life doesn't go as you plan and/or when loss is a part of your daily life.
But today, on Thanksgiving, I choose to call myself blessed. Not because of any of the material gifts or wonderful people in my life (even though of course I am grateful for these things as well). I am truly blessed despite heartache and pain because God is near to all of us in our tears and our suffering if we just ask Him to be there. It is HIS presence in our lives that is the greatest blessing.
For Jesus told us:
"“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 5:3-10
Here's an article below that really resonated with me and relates to what I shared above. 

Monday, November 17, 2014


Can I just say that I LOVE simplicity? I strive for it in every area of life, whether it be my various jobs, cleaning, cooking, decorating the house, taking care of the buddy, spending money, etc. Why be complicated when you can be simple, right? Cut out all the non-essentials and focus on the simplest way to do something. That's the best way, right?

One would think.

But, that's what's so hard about this infertility/adoption journey. I WANT SO BADLY for it to be simple. Somewhere on the spectrum of easy. But, no. It is not. It's complicated and messy. Every time we think we have "a plan" for how to proceed it gets totally messed up. I mean, every.single.time!!

I know this is likely due to the fact that God knows I need to learn patience. And trust. And learn that I am 100% not in control of my life. But, I'm not a very good student when it comes to these lessons. I really, really, really still just want things to be simple!

It just doesn't work that way.

So, we are in the mess right now, but I'm realizing it's a beautiful mess. Outside circumstances are not good. Confession: we are spending more every month than we are making. Without anything impressive to show for it (ie: failed fertility treatments, worse sperm analysis numbers, a whole lot of money sunk into the crawl space of all places, etc.). We have been sad a lot in the past several months. And when you're really sad (and even depressed at times) it's hard to be productive or creative, hence my total lack of blog posts. I haven't been so good at eating healthy due to aforementioned sadness and so a lot of my clothes no longer fit. (Boo!)

But, this mess is still a beautiful mess. It's the mess of someone falling apart. And only when we're falling apart to we get to the place that we realize that we are not God. That there is only one God and He is the God of the universe despite the mess. He gets down in the mess with us and loves us through it. 

Jesus' ministry was full of those who had fallen hard and were in desperate need of a Savior, just as I am today. I am so much more aware of my need to God when I'm falling apart than when I think I have it all together. It's only when I've discovered I am completely unable to make my life simple that I cry out to God in desperation to put back the pieces of my total disaster mess. And He does. Not by making everything simple or easy. But, my being there. By seeing me. By remembering me. And letting me know that He's there through it all. Loving me the whole time. Blessing me throughout the mess as He creates a softened heart, a heart that looks to him instead of for the next "simple answer."

Oh it's hard. He never said that it would be easy. But, it's where the blessing of His presence and His words of faithfulness ring the most true. It's the times when He shows that His power is perfect in our absolute weakness. And when I am listening so, so closely to hear His quite and still voice. Breathe. Listen. Repeat. And know YOU are loved.

And Jesus said said:
 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Piecing Thoughts Together

I know I'm an absolutely horrid blogger. Mostly because life is busy and I'm not so good at sharing the day-to-day of things here on this blog.

The buddy is awesome and growing and we are so very lucky (some would say blessed, but I'm having inner turmoil about that word right now) that he's growing up so healthy and smart and (mostly) sweet!

But, otherwise things have been pretty hard. Behind the adoption wait and rejections, there has been a lot of questions and Dr.'s appointments and natural supplements and more "stuff" than I even want to write about in attempts to improve our fertility. A lot of money and energy spent that has worn us out on a lot of levels. We KNOW we want to build our family through adoption again, but have also been trying to improve our fertility as much as possible, but are getting discouraging results.

In the meantime, I am spending some time trying to figure out faith and life and God and community and how that all works. I'm at the point where I have more questions than I have answers, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction since I'm actually ASKING questions instead of being totally silent when it comes to talking to God.

My brain is busy, but God is working. He's starting to break down the very tall brick wall that I unintentionally began building almost 4 years ago now. I didn't really recognize it for what it was until I realized I couldn't even see over it anymore and it blocked my vision of the world. These walls were built brick by brick, month by month, and have continued to rise until I became alone and unable to look forward. I have begun asking God to help me remove the bricks, but as the wall comes down, the grief returns in big waves, and feelings can no longer be hidden by this self-imposed wall.

So, blog posts are coming. My heart and brain are ruminating. There's a lot of healing that needs to be done and it's a very scary prospect. But, the brick wall has become far too suffocating and it's no way to live. Something has to be done, so God is slowly but surely cracking open my heart again and allowing me to feel. And with the feeling will come brokenness, renewed pain, but a future of hope. The hope seems very far away right now, but it's the goal. Not hope in a baby or a family even closely resembling the family I envisioned for myself, but hope for feeling whole and free and able to live as the woman I was made to be. That destination seems unreachable for the moment, but it's a walk I'm going to have to take one step at a time. 

So, umm... are you ready for this to get real? I think it's about to.