**I'll start this post out by saying that I'm really not "down in the dumps" about our fertility. It's a discouraging process, but mostly (I think) because we're trying to get to the root of what's going on with Dave's health. If our family is only built through adoption there will be the loss of biological children that we will face, but we will be truly blessed. Honestly, if the buddy ends up being our only child we are truly blessed. But, we're on this journey and don't feel the peace to leave just yet, so below is what all is going on in my head and heart. (And I have a post brewing in my mind about our faith and how that currently ties together with our journey, but it's just not written yet).**
It's easy to get discouraged when you're dealing with infertility. For us it's frustrating that despite our visits to so many different practitioners and specialists who all seem to think they have an answer and solution, the problem never seems to be fixed. :/ We're kind of health-nuts around here who believe that how you eat and take care of your body directly affect your health. So, we often hear the message that if we were doing the "right things" and eating the "right things" that we would be healthy. And I would include reproductive health in that. Yet, it just hasn't worked out for us that way.
The further confusing part is this, "Why is it that we strive to be so healthy yet can't conceive while others that are not healthy at all conceive easily or even on accident?" Sigh. I feel like if we had an answer to WHY Dave's morphology is so bad it might be easier to at least understand, even if we had a hard time accepting it. As in, they could link it to a childhood illness, or if I was missing fallopian tubes due to an accident earlier in life. But, despite all the "issues" that various practitioners have found there has yet to be a solution that worked. I feel like when I try to do online research (I know, I know) that all I find are stories of people that transformed their health, started eating better, practiced a healthier lifestyle, or went to acupuncture for a few months and bam! they got pregnant. It's hard to read those stories and not think, "why didn't that happen to us?"
The truth is that we may just need to accept that life doesn't always make sense and we're not as in control of our lives as we like to think. I once visited a natural practitioner that told me that we are 100% in control of our health. But, I beg to differ. So far Dave and I have seen 3 acupuncturists (2 specializing in fertility), 2 different naturopath/nutritionists, 2 different REs and done some significant detoxification (yes, we have both done colonics). We even did a heavy detoxifying diet 2 years ago where we lost weight but didn't get pregnant. And I don't even want to get into the supplements we took! If it has ever been known to help with sperm quality, Dave took it! I mean, we probably spent over $1,000 on supplements alone.
You probably read that and think "they should probably read the writing on the wall and either move on to IVF or adopt again and just let go of biological children." And I wish we could do that. I wish we felt like that was the direction to move in. I WANT to move on. I don't want to keep trying this, that, or the other thing. But, for some reason I press on. Is it foolish? Maybe. Is it expensive? Yes. There's something about HOW CLOSE Dave's semen analysis came to normal back in August that keeps us from moving on. All along the way EVERY person we have seen has indicated that we have a good chance of pregnancy (especially if we do IVF while I'm still young), so it's hard to let go when there's a chance we could eventually get pregnant. A good chance? I guess not. But, there's a chance. None of our parts are missing and tests from 2 years ago indicate that I have good eggs left (although I'm terrified that this may not be the case for long).
So, I feel like this post is horribly similar to my last post, but I guess it goes into WHY we continue even though we haven't conceived yet or gotten wonderful news on improvement. We don't feel like we will continue forever until I get pregnant, but it doesn't feel yet like it's time to stop trying. We definitely want to adopt again so I wonder when the time will come to renew our home study? OR when it's time to try IVF or just give up trying for biological children for good? But, we just don't feel at peace with any of those choices right now. So for now we continue on. With many blessings and contentment with where we are at the present moment, but a desire to continue on our journey of adding to our family and an openness to where God leads. It would be nice if this process were a whole lot easier, but also "easy" doesn't mean "better" so we continue to pray for God's best for us as trying as it can be.
And on a silly note, I will say that after 3 years we have officially arrived at the point that "intimacy" leading to a baby seems like something out of a science fiction movie. And absolutely CRAZY that that's how most of the world builds their family! Hilarious! (And yes, I do realize that's how most of my readers have had children, but still, it's seems impossible and crazy that that's how it happens. About as crazy to me as unicorns and leprechauns.)