This post is actually NOT about anything related to fertility or adoption. And I can't really share what it's about, but they have been my thoughts recently, so I wanted to share them. Maybe someone out there will be able to relate!
"You know that "in-between" things feeling? Like when you know it's time to move forward, but you also know you have to stay where you are? I'm there. We're there. And it's uncomfortable. How can both these realities be true simultaneously?
We are in a place of uncertainty. The place that makes you want to talk about it, yet be silent. The place where you want to move, but your feet are firmly planted where you stand. Where you can see your heart moving to the next place, but something is holding you back.
We end up in the "in-betweens" of life for so many different reasons. One of our pastors calls it the place of "already, but not yet." Oh, how our hearts yearn to go forward; they are READY to go forward, but something holds us back. Sometimes it's fear. Is there the fear of the unknown? Fear of change? Fear of loss, or even the fear to gain?
Or is it circumstances out of your control that hold you back? Logistics? A job? Family? Responsibilities? The comfort of knowing you CAN handle where you are, so why more forward?
Or is God calling you to stay where you are despite your heart's desire to move forward? Oh how this is a painful place to be! Why can't God call me to where I WANT to be right now? Why must I wait? Why must I be in-between?
So, I must allow the silence in. Must allow my thoughts to calm. My feet to stand still. To rest. To rest where I am right now. Before moving ahead, or even worse, moving backward. To look at what is right here and to appreciate it. To notice beauty in the small things. To acknowledge my discomfort in the in-between and try to embrace it. To feel ok with the discomfort, the unknown, the stillness, the chaos. All while I am waiting.
For, when I am truly ready, I will step forward. I won't be in-between anymore. I will be progressing. Moving ahead. Reaching new dreams and climbing to the next step. It will also be uncomfortable at times, but I imagine it will be so very rewarding.
But oh, my heart. How my heart will not appreciate the climb, the next step, the adventure, if I'm not content in the "in-between." The "already, but not yet." The place I live in now. The place where the future is so unknown, and I'm unsure how or when to take the next step. The in-between."
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
-2 Corinthians 4:8-12