Saturday, June 1, 2013

On that Elusive Child #2

I've been noticing that a lot more women at church that are pregnant with child #2 or #3. And these would be families who have kids right around the buddy's age. Nothing like FINALLY having your sweet child and then feeling "behind" again. :/

Honestly, we returned to the doctor in the spring. We didn't want to wait too long to see if we would be able to pursue treatment that could result in a pregnancy. We hoped to pursue treatment this summer (IUIs to be specific). However, that just didn't work out for various reasons and now is not the time. I would LOVE to feel like I have some kind of say over when Nathaniel has a sibling and when we bring another baby home. But, when dealing with infertility, oftentimes it's out of your control in just about every sense of the word. It's discouraging and frustrating. It's hard to feel like you don't have any control in how you build your family. I mean of course we get A SAY, as in we can decide to pursue treatment or adoption. But, when or whether or not any of these routes work is entirely out of our hands.

One one hand, it's discouraging. We really would have loved to have had our first 2 kids within 2 years of each other (give or take a few months). We naively thought since no one has told us we CAN'T have kids, just that we have such a small chance of it happening that we might have gotten "lucky" when we weren't trying and it would just happen. So, here's some proof for you that "not trying" and "not thinking about it" don't lead to conception. I guarantee you that when we brought the buddy home, another baby was the furthest thing from our minds for quite some time. So, "giving up" didn't work for us despite so many people telling us that's "the key" to getting pregnant. (Sorry for all the quotes here, but they seemed appropriate.)

Nope. Still nothing.
BUT, on the other hand, it's kind of freeing to not be pursuing treatment. There's none of the intense emotions of "will it work?" that treatment brings. So, this summer we can focus on playing with the buddy and just enjoying him. Come fall will we pursue treatment? Who knows? We actually don't talk about it much because there's kind of no point. We could talk until we're blue in the face and we would still have NO idea if/when treatment would ever work. So, I think that's part of the reason that we may be leaning toward adoption again. And we definitely want to adopt at some point, so why not sooner rather than later?

We'll see what happens. I try not to write too much here about infertility, because it's a depressing topic and I like to pretend sometimes that we're not infertile. But, we are. Which makes every child we have (we'd like at least 3-4) such a process. Sigh. So, this summer we are going the avoidance and denial route! Yay! And just enjoying our sweet boy. And trying not to get TOO jealous of all those perfectly spaced families at church. ;-)


  1. Thanks for sharing. Would love to hear more about your plans sometime. Hope you're enjoying your summer so far!!

  2. Family planning as an infertile is so draining. Really and truly, we've already thought out the "what if this baby is an only- forever?". I think there is something to be said for letting it go.. not because you'll magically get pregnant- but so that what you want and need can be heard clearly. While in the process, it's hard to consider if treatment/ foster/ adoption is the right road for your family. You just get on a path and stick to it, because turning around is just so painful. I think stepping away for the summer before really thinking/ talking/ planning is a good, beneficial plan.

  3. Oh my goodness...I could have written every word of this post. The only difference is that our firstborn wasn't adopted. We absolutely plan to adopt though. Part of me wishes that we would have adopted next instead of pursuing more fertility treatments, but it was all a money thing. We just had to take the cheapest route (IUI). I definitely get what you said about feeling "behind." I feel that way all the time. But then we spent this past weekend with a bunch of friends from college and it was completely different. Out of eight couples, we are the only ones who are parents. Two of the couples aren't even married yet! It felt good to be around them because I felt like it gave us some perspective.

  4. I read this post a few weeks ago and wanted to comment. So here I am, in a similar position to you, we had our (3 years in the making) first DD 20 sweet months ago (through treatments) And have been 'trying/hoping/praying/letting it go/not trying/treatments!!!' for 14 months. We would love lots of children, but are so so grateful for our 1, what joy God has brought into our lives through her.
    I just wanted to encourage you that you are not the only ones experiencing this. I would love another child soon so my sweet DD can have a sibling close in age, while we wait I am enjoying what we have right now. I happy girl, full of joy, on one nap a day, sleeping great and easy to take most places. I also recently became a stay at home mom (maybe that will help with the elusive second child?!), and am loving having so so much more time to enjoy her.
    We would love to foster or adopt one day, but as Ex-Pats of the UK living in NH, that is not a legal walk we can do right now...... we also feel strongly that the Lord led us to the treatment route, for now. If ever I can be of any help just ask praying for you. x Miriam

  5. Thank you all for your comments! Thank you for sharing your stories too. It IS so exhausting, both physically and mentally to have to go through SO MUCH PLANNING for each attempt at a child. ON one hand I'm glad we're not alone, but at the same time, I'm sad that anyone else has to go through this process. It's stressful! I pray that we will all have those second babies before too long!

    Also, welcome Miriam! I LOVE your name! I used to say that if I ever had a girl I would want that to be her name. We'll see if we ever get to use it. :-)


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