Infertility seems like a curse instead of a blessing, right? I agree wholeheartedly! Infertility brings much suffering, pain and confusion. You have to answer questions most people should never have to ask. As in "how much money are we able to spend TRYING to get pregnant?" or "How comfortable am I with injecting artificial hormones into my body?" Or "When should we give up trying to have a child?" Oh my... my heart hurts so much even THINKING about those awful questions!!
BUT, I will say that I am so grateful for infertility in my life! Without it I wouldn't be the same (wiser?) person I am now. Do I hope and pray God will do a miraculous work and heal us? YES! Of course! But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm grateful for the journey we have been on so far for several reasons.
1. Of course, the buddy. He was SO worth infertility. He's awesome and we love him so much!!
2. I've developed more of a grateful and thankful heart. And I don't take the gift of the buddy for granted. And I think it has taught me to not take other gifts for granted either. We are not entitled to any gift this world (or even God) has to offer. Everything we receive is a miracle and a huge blessing I want to appreciate every day. I hope I always remember this. It's easy to take so many things for granted when life is going well.
3. Children are a gift. SO true! BUT, I have learned that our present, and any future children should not be the center of our universe. There is so much more we have been called to be as Christians and as citizens of the world. I am not just called to care for my own children, but for the children of the world. If all I can say at the end of my life is that I have been a mom, then I am missing out. I never would have truly understood this truth had it not been for infertility.
4. I have realized that there's a whole lot more pain behind all the happy status updates and photos on facebook. I truly hope this not only changes my attitude, but also my actions, and that I take this knowledge to the real world and ask people how they're REALLY doing and do all I can to help and love them. There's a whole lot of loneliness out there, most of it behind a smiling face.
5. I have made some wonderful friendships through infertility! It's not a fun thing to share in common, but I have met some amazing ladies nonetheless. I have also learned that as much as I like to have fun as the next person, if a friendship doesn't go to the deeper level, it's not a real friendship. Going through a trial forces friendships to go deeper or kind of fade away. This has been sad to lose some friendships, but I suppose necessary in the long run. Infertility is a lonely road and those going through it (like any tough situation or loss) need support! I hope I'm able to provide that for those that need it. (Again, if you want to talk to someone or are going through a difficult trial, please email me at lareinaisabel at gmail.com).
6. Adoption is a glorious gift! I learned that and get to experience it every day! We always said we would adopt after having biological children, but who knows if we ever would have done it if getting pregnant had been easy? I'm so glad I'm a part of such a glorious miracle every day. :-) And our experience has absolutely convinced us that we'll adopt at least once more in the future.
7. You know that verse, ""My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."? (2 Cor. 12:9) Yeah, I get that a lot more now. Only when you feel truly weak will you ever feel the huge power and grace that Christ alone has to offer.
As time passes I'm sure there will be more things that come to mind that have been blessings in disguise. More hidden gifts that infertility has to offer. I still hate it. It still stinks. Every time I see an ultrasound picture or hear a pregnancy announcement, I wonder if that will ever be us and if it will always make my heart heart. I'm so glad for those people (especially those who struggled to get there!), but part of me may always hurt a bit when I see those things. I'm still grateful for all we've been through and I hope that every future trial will carry with it gifts that I won't ignore!