Friday, May 4, 2012

Happy... anniversary??

I don't like thinking about the significance of this day, but one year ago today we received our diagnosis. I actually don't know the exact date (it would be easy to figure out, but I just don't want to), but it's a day of annual events. I will always remember the phone call on the Friday of Field Day at my school (where I distracted much of the time playing phone tag with the fertility clinic trying to get results), and also our church's annual Children's Ministry Fiesta in the evening. (Which I didn't attend due to the fact I had been crying the entire day after I got the news.) Last year it also unkindly fell on Mother's Day weekend. :/

I've been dreading this day for months. But, the past couple of weeks I started to feel stronger and was actually planning on writing a really upbeat post about how the last year has simultaneously been the worst and best year of our lives. About how we've been through tragedy and disappointment we never imagined we'd have to go through, but at the same time have grown and learned to be content in a whole new way. That was until I woke up to my period and the worst cramps I have ever had. :/ I had to lie down for a couple of hours to experience any kind of relief. Why does it seem that days you already know are going to be difficult seem to add additional pain and grief? (A Side Note: Even though we're waiting to adopt, the monthly "visit" continues to be a reminder of what we don't have and based on conversations with both waiting and current adoptive parents, it's completely normal and common to continue to experience a renewed sense of grief each month.)

But, an "anniversary" like this does make a person (well, me) reflect on the passing of time. I never thought I'd make it to this point in life without being a mother, and I especially never though I'd get here without a "resolution" to our fertility, such as being pregnant, or being matched with a birthmother. So, in that regard I'm still SO far from where I'd like to be. But, at the same time I truly believe I'm in a much BETTER place today than I was a year ago.

I'm certainly less naive, much less convinced that motherhood is the only thing that will make me happy. I'm learning how to appreciate life and beauty in a whole new way. And I'm learning to believe that God is truly good no matter what our circumstances or how much life doesn't match up to my expectations or desires. I'm learning to notice and appreciate beauty in all kind of new and expected places. And I'm constantly discovering more about how I am and who I'm meant to be. AND, ironically enough, as "left out" of life as I have felt the majority of my life (whew... that's another story too), I'm actually feeling more connected to people than I would have imagined. Connecting with a shared pain and loss in a community of truly kind and compassionate people. And for all these things I'm truly grateful.

So there, I guess this post did turn out more like I originally intended it, other than the brief pity part at the beginning. :-) On days like today I feel endlessly far from my hopes and dreams of having a big family, but I'm trying to take life just one step at a time in a situation that's completely out of my control. This year I didn't make it to Field Day since I was lying on the couch with a heating pad after a pretty large dose of Tylenol. But, this year I plan on making it to the Fiesta. I may cry the whole way home, but I'll be there. And I hope that one year from now there will be even more blessings to count and maybe I'll finally make it to BOTH events on this "anniversary". Because next year this Spanish teacher REALLY wants to celebrate Cinco de Mayo without any this ugly baggage! A girl can dream, right? :-)

(This weekend also marks 5 months waiting, and no news yet. The birthmother  mentioned a few weeks back obviously didn't choose us. I don't know if she decided to parent or if she chose a different family. But, this time just wasn't meant to be. This is why we don't get our hopes up when we hear our profile will be shown!)

4 comments:

  1. Elizabeth:
    I found your blog two separate ways - via the Stirrup-Queens blogroll, and through a Lifesong search. So its probably a God-thing that I'm here. My hubby and I are looking at adoption, and have both felt a strong draw to Lifesong. Looking forward to following along with you!

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  2. I'm sorry about the "anniversary." My 2 year IF anniversary is coming up in July. We've been seeing the RE for 1 year this month. =/ These types of anniversaries SUCK!

    Thinking about you, Elizabeth! =)

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  3. There is never anything happy about the anniversary of being told you're infertile. Big hugs. Hope next year this day comes around with you in a MUCH better place.

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  4. This post is a great mix of honest sadness and genuine hope. I love that you can see & appreciate the small steps towards healing - last year you couldn't make it to any, this year one, next year two. What a great little symbol of hope. I continue to pray you have many many reasons to celebrate this time next year.

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