In the past year we went from asking God to bless us with a baby in the right timing, then pleading with Him to work a miracle to cause us to conceive, then to asking for patience and wisdom as to how our family should be built and then to asking Him to bring us the right child soon. But, honestly, none of these prayers seem "right" to me anymore. In recent months I feel like I have no idea what I should even be asking for in my prayers for myself. I know what to ask for the other people in my life, but I feel like when it comes to requests for us, everything I'm praying for seems wrong. Maybe that doesn't make sense. But, when I ask for the desire of my heart it feels selfish.
Should I be asking Him for a child? Because that prayer honestly feels so out of reach right now and a prayer that sets me up for disappointment. Am I asking Him to give me peace? Because that would sure help out! Am I asking for patience? I need that too!
But, I just can't settle on what to pray for. I feel a bit like I'm "out of prayers." The prayers of the past year seem to have hit a ceiling about 1 foot above my head an bounced right back to me, empty and meaningless. Has anyone else had that feeling before?
Anyway, as the new year started I decided I needed to go back to the basics. So, I started a new discipline. I decided that in the month of January whenever driving in the car, instead of listening to NPR (which I do sorely miss!), I would just try to get through "The Lord's Prayer" as many times as I could. That doesn't mean that I just said it as quickly as I could in my head as many times as possible, but instead to go through it, think about it, and meditate on it. There were many times I didn't make it past "Hallowed be Your Name." There's a lot to think about there in that one line, don't you think? :-)
So, what did I LEARN? How has my prayer life changed outside of the car? So far I've got nothing to share. So, I guess this discipline needs to continue. I still feel like my prayers bounce right back after saying them and I still feel like everything I pray isn't quite "right," but I guess that's the discipline part, right? To keep on going even when you don't feel like it? So, it has become my February discipline as well, and it may just become my 2012 (or lifelong?) discipline. I'm not sure how to pray anymore, but that's how Jesus asked me to, so I'm going to just keep on doing it! And I hope He speaks to me in the process. So, I'm not giving up yet!