Every member of the adoption triad has experienced significant loss. The birthmother is dealing with the loss of raising her birthchild, the adoptive parents have (likely) gone through the loss of being able to have biological children, and the child has even experienced the loss of being raised by his/her biological parents. Even though in many cases, adoption is the best choice for everyone involved, it doesn't make it an easy process. Everyone must accept the losses of the process and deal with it in a way that is healthy and appropriate to them.
Just a couple of days ago I read a really touching chapter of a book about loss/mourning. This chapter had a great deal of significance to us this week, but instead of explaining the passages I will share them with you. If you have ever experienced a great loss you will likely relate to this.
"When you're mourning, when something terrible has happened, it's on your mind and right at the top of your heart all the time. It's genuinely shocking to you that the sun is still shining and that people are still chattering away on Good Morning America. Your world has changed, utterly, and it feels so incomprehensible that the bus still comes and the people in the cars next to you on the highway just drive along as if nothing's happened. When you're in that place, it's a gift to be asked how you're doing, and most of the time the answer comes bumbling out, like water over a broken dam, because someone finally asked, finally offered to carry what feels like an unbearable load with you."
The rest of the chapter is about the importance of saying something, ANYTHING to people when they're going through loss. This spoke to us too as in the last few days we have had several people offer to come alongside us to help carry our heavy load and it has meant the world to us.
"I know we're busy. I know we forget sometimes. More than anything, I think, we so desperately don't want to say the wrong thing. It's impolite, we've been told, to bring up nasty topics like loss and sadness. But if we don't bring it up, what are we left with? We talk about the easy things, the happy things, the weather, and then we leave one another totally alone with the diagnosis or the divorce papers.[...]
So when there's bad news or scary news or when something falls apart, say something. Send a note. Send a text. Send flowers. And if you don't know what to say, try this 'I heard what happened, and I don't know what to say.'"
Taken from "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist